Am I a bad parent because it makes me laugh?

(Alternate title: Thank God my parents did not think of this one...)

Although I cannot take credit for thinking up the following consequence of poor behavior, I can say that it is extremely effective and sometimes makes me chuckle...ok, maybe it makes me laugh so much that tears run down my cheek...does that make me a bad parent?  I can justify my behavior by the success of the "time" for the "crime," though, which would make me a good parent....right?  Don't answer that, I'll just keep believing its true.

First, let me describe the consequence; in a word, "stairs" aka, "steps." Never before has one simple word brought a temper tantrum to such an abrupt halt for a ten year old boy.  Usually, just the mention of "stairs" is enough to stop his misdemeanors cold, but if he carries on, he must go up and down the staircase for the amount determined by the boss (Mom and/or Dad).  The total amount of stairs is based on his actions that led to the mentioning of the terrible word, by said boss.  In other words, if he really messes up, he gets lots of stairs, which he hates...of course.

One "dose" of the stairs equals a trip up and down the staircase.  He must put both feet on the floor at the top of the steps, and at the bottom, before one stair can be counted.  These rules are not to be broken and must be enforced. In addition (this one was my genius at work), he must not touch the walls of the staircase at any time, or he will have to do the whole stair over - this has since eliminated any and all fingerprints about four feet above the floor in the staircase!  (He is, however, allowed to use the bannister since his mother recently fell down those stairs, broke her ankle and now has a huge phobia about it...)

We do not use the stairs every time, and we do not abuse them either.  The stairs can be done all at once, or little by little, but the catch is that he is on complete and total restriction until all stairs are complete.  If he chooses to wait a day, that is fine, but he gets absolutely no privileges until he pays his dues.  In the event that we choose not to sentence him to stairs, he gets to alphabetize the bookcase or the CD case (I own over 800 CDs and my wife has close to that many books), sometimes by author's last name, sometimes by author's third letter of last name, or sometimes by title. Dirty words coming out of his mouth?  He gets to clean the trash can...and it needs to be spotless.  In a nutshell, you don't need stairs to apply the method!      Whatever it is, the time fits the crime.

When he is in the process of completing the stairs, he is usually moaning and groaning about the mean person who thought up the consequence of stairs and how they must love to torture kids (I think that person is a genius).  This alone is enough to bring a smile to my face, but not because I am sadistic; rather, I smile because I know he is thinking about his actions that led to the stairs.  I try to make him realize there is a reaction to every action and that he needs to be aware of his part in that reaction, hoping to teach him accountability, a trait that we do not see often in today's society.  I can almost see his mind gears turning round and round, making sense of the whole situation...which is a huge relief to a parent whose kid is smarter than he is.

When he has completed the steps, he must (on his own) apologize, name the reason for the apology, and ask for forgiveness.  

Ironically, in a sense, we are breaking him down, just to rebuild him back up again.  This time we can make him better, stronger, faster...but we are not going to call him Steve Austin.  (Yes, you have to be of a certain age of generation to get that reference!)  The point is not to make him complete unjustified physical work, but to make him think twice before he acts the next time.  The stairs provides a good source of exercise (so that candy he just took without asking is now exercised off) and a tangible consequence.

Tonight, he earned 30 stairs and alphabetizing two shelves of books.  I'm sure it won't be the last time he does a round of stairs, but at least it has made him think a little bit before he breaks a rule, which means he is learning.  Now, he is determining if the crime is worth the time, before he tries to get away with something.  Which is exactly why I'm so thankful to have found this parenting tool...I was running out of ideas!  And yes, I am VERY happy my parents did not have this tool when I was a kid!

UPDATE - (Can this really be an "update" if I neglected to post the above when I actually wrote it - about eight months ago?)

The steps method has proven to be very useful and has become a solid method of showing the crime is not always worth the time.  For example, one of our rules is that the fridge in the garage is off-limits.  This is where we store any goodies such as cake, ice cream, and yummies that need to be controlled.  The payment for stealing something from that fridge was, typically, 25 steps.  One day, however, about a month ago, my son decided the cake in the fridge was worth the 25 steps.  He also decided he was going to confess right away.  Kudos to him for being honest.  The conversation went something like this:

Son - Dad, I took some cake from the fridge this morning.  Should I do my 25 steps now?

Me - No, but you can do your 50 steps, now.

Son - WHAT?  It is supposed to be 25 steps!!!

Me - No, it is what we decide it should be.

Son - BUT....BUT...

Me - The idea is to get you to stop stealing things.  Just because you thought that piece of cake was worth 25 steps does not make it okay to steal things.  Now you have 50 steps, which will, hopefully, make you understand the principle of the matter.

Son - whine...moan...fuss...grumble, grumble...


He hasn't stolen from the garage fridge since then. 





 Disclaimer...(Yes, its a repeat of the last one...but the blog above is new!) First, let me say that I am not a specialist in Asperger's Syndrome, nor do I play one on TV. What I write or say are strictly my own personal observations and beliefs, so please do not sue me because I said something that made you do something that caused a misdiagnosis, or created a problem, or made you do something stupid. Have accountability, go see a professional, and leave my finances alone...besides, you really wouldn't get much anyway, so its probably not worth your time to call the lawyer on the back of the phone book to see if you have a case. Spend that time more wisely, like figuring out how to subscribe to my blog...and don't ask me about that because I'm not even sure how it works! Seriously, though, if some of the things I say seem like they sound very familiar in your family, set up an appointment with a true professional. While you are waiting for their callback, please, continue reading and leave a note!

Nutrition and Aspies

Kids are usually finicky to begin with when it comes to food.  If you have pizza, chips, cheese, peanut butter and jelly, a hot dog, a hamburger, macaroni and cheese, and maybe some spaghetti, you are most likely going to get the kid to eat.  Chances are I will eat, too, if that is all you had, but the problem is these items are not the best diet for growing folks (yes, I can still grow...unfortunately, it is my waistline that grows and not my height, anymore).  We all know kids need a healthy diet to grow to their fullest potential, but getting them to eat the good stuff is nothing short of a major undertaking.  If your kid is an Aspie, multiply that undertaking by a thousand. 

Then you have the 40-something adult who has never dieted in his life, would eat a pint (sometimes two) of Ben & Jerry's ice cream each evening for four nights in a row (What?  The grocery store had a BOGO sale!) on a regular basis, ordered and ate two Little Caesar's pizzas (back when they came side by side) plus garlic cheese bread for dinner, once had three steaks and five baked potatoes for dinner (much to the dismay of his sister and brother-in-law), would create pizza masterpieces when he worked for Domino's (mounds of cheese, bacon, hamburger, pineapple, ham, pepperoni, and whatever else I could pile on before heading home) to enjoy after the late shift, and stayed very clear of anything that closely resembles broccoli, cauliflower, mushrooms, and any other healthy food that grossed me out.  Yeah, I was far from a poster child for a health campaign.  Well, that's not true, I could have been the left side of the poster...you know, the "Before" side.  Don't get me wrong, I am still not on the "Right" side...but I am working on being less of the "Before" and more of the now.  In short, if I wanted it, I ate it...and didn't care.  But, I was also very active.  I played soccer, softball, football, rode my bike, and lifted many 12 to 16 oz glasses filled to the brim with chilled golden nectar.  Although, I did graduate to more of a brown nectar that comes from Boston as I matured...brewer...patriot...

Wow...ADD moment, sorry...let's get back on topic...

Now that I am no longer as active and my jeans do not fit like they did three years ago (I cannot figure out why that is...), I have decided to lose the gut, eat better, and run a half marathon in the fall.  Huh?  What was that?  Yeah, a half marathon.  HAHAHA...no, seriously.  Obviously, I cannot do this weighing in at fifty pounds overweight, and I am tired of my knee (the one I blew out playing soccer many, many moons ago) telling me everyday that I am overweight...not to mention it is pretty embarrassing to be out of breath after climbing a flight of stairs.  Yep...that's what I am going to do.

So, the first part of the journey was to buy an elliptical machine.  Remember, I have a bad knee, so I need something to help lose the weight with the least amount of impact...until I can get back to a decent weight...then it doesn't matter!  Woohoo!  Bring on the treacherous terrain!  Well, maybe we will do that after the half marathon...Anyway...elliptical machine...got it.

Second step - break up with Ben & Jerry and all of their friends.  Yeah...ummm...that one is a lot easier said than done.  I really miss those guys. :(  Excuse me for a moment while I wipe the tear forming in my eye...

Okay, I'm back...

Third step - cook healthful meals.

Fourth step - Wait, I thought I was getting back on topic...isn't this a blog about an Aspie kid?

Why, yes, it is, and now we are back on topic.

If I am being conscious about my diet or not, fixing meals my son will eat has always been a chore and a half.  Well, not always; there was a time when he would try just about anything.  For example, his favorite pizza topping USED to be spinach.  Unfortunately, those days are long gone.  One day he likes chicken, tomorrow he hates it.  He loves Grandma's breaded pork chops (as do I), but if I fix anything that has pork in it, forgetabboutit!  This is why I need to be creative...and maybe tell a white lie or two...okay, they are full fledged lies.

If pork is on the menu, it becomes...umm...chicken, yeah, that's it...it's chicken.  Pork BBQ is easy since the BBQ sauce masks the coloring.  Since he likes Sloppy Joe's and beef BBQ...you got it, that's what it is...sort of.  Cod?  That one was difficult and I did not succeed with fooling him.  But, man, was it good!  All that means is I have to be more creative with Cod in the future (and, by the way, I'm open for suggestions!).  The biggest problem is that he is very smart.  He can usually figure out the true ingredients.  Which tells me I need to step up my game a little.

Some of the techniques I have used in the past (other than lying) include; pureeing the questionable food item, disguising it as something else (see Pork BBQ above), sneaking it in when nobody is looking (TVP - Textured Vegetable Protein - more on that later), bribery, and the super fantastic idea of steps (I just realized I have neglected to write about this fantastic tactic!  I will devote a full page to this because it is so incredibly amazing...seriously!).  

In the effort to get him to make healthy choices, he and I devised a plan to track his eating habits for a week.  It was actually his idea, so I ran with it.  I explained how calories are what you want to watch, while keeping in mind that some calories are empty calories and serve no useful purpose while others are good calories.  I also went into carbs, sugars, protein, veggies, dairy and all of that other good stuff.

I am not a nutrition expert, but I've got enough knowledge to get him started.  I pulled up the "myplate" diagram from www.choosemyplate.gov and tried to explain the different segments and what balance means.  The best part about all of this is, he was/is actually interested...well, he was for a moment or two.  After logging in the first day's list, he promptly asked if he could have a piece of chocolate covered marshmallow (50 empty calories in one serving...which is about 1 inch by 1/2 inch in size).

So, since this is a work in progress, and I am guessing I am not the only one who has troubles fixing meals their kid will eat...let me rephrase that...fixing healthy, well-balanced meals that their kid will eat, I am going to try something.  My plan is to continue fixing the healthy meals and report back.  If the meal works, I'll explain the process with the ingredients.  If it doesn't, I'll refrain from the writing the entire recipe, but will still tell you where you can find it...if you so desire.  I hope that this will give other parents of Aspie kids (and non-Aspie kids, of course) a way to get their kids to eat healthy meals.  There is one catch, though...the meals must be tasty.  I love to eat, and I want to lose weight, but there is no way on earth that I will eat nasty tasting food, just to shed a few pounds!

 As always, I am open for suggestions and thank you for reading!




Disclaimer...(Yes, its a repeat of the last one...but the blog above is new!) First, let me say that I am not a specialist in Asperger's Syndrome, nor do I play one on TV. What I write or say are strictly my own personal observations and beliefs, so please do not sue me because I said something that made you do something that caused a misdiagnosis, or created a problem, or made you do something stupid. Have accountability, go see a professional, and leave my finances alone...besides, you really wouldn't get much anyway, so its probably not worth your time to call the lawyer on the back of the phone book to see if you have a case. Spend that time more wisely, like figuring out how to subscribe to my blog...and don't ask me about that because I'm not even sure how it works! Seriously, though, if some of the things I say seem like they sound very familiar in your family, set up an appointment with a true professional. While you are waiting for their callback, please, continue reading and leave a note!