If I were being paid to review TV shows, chances are I would not have a job for long. There are few shows that I will actually sit down long enough to watch. Castle, The Mentalist, Bones, Top Gear (The Brit's version, only...the American version is horrible), and maybe a few others that I cannot think of right now, are the only one's that capture my attention long enough to enjoy. The fact that Stana Katic, Amanda Righetti, and Michaela Conlin are in the first three shows has nothing to do with my desire to watch these shows...well, ok, maybe a little...but really it is because the shows are very well written, clever, witty, and they allow my ADD brain to continue working, while remaining seated. The bonus is the above mentioned cast members. Yes, I am a TV snob...if the show is not cleverly written, I do not watch. In addition, I would rather watch TV shows that are on DVD so that I can skip the commercials and watch all seasons in as short a period of time as possible!
I do not remember seeing many advertisements for the show (probably because I was fast-forwarding through them) Parenthood, but when someone mentioned it the other day, it was not a complete mystery. The person who suggested it mentioned that it deals with a family raising a child diagnosed with Asperger's. Of course, I was interested at that point...at least to give it a fair chance. So, I logged onto Netflix and bumped it up to the next in line on our queue.
The DVD arrived in the mail just in time for a Saturday night viewing. My wife and I got our son tucked into bed and plopped down on the couch with the rental inserted into the DVD player. We pressed play, and watched. The pilot was not what I had expected. As a matter of fact, if I had watched the pilot on the day that it aired, I probably would not have given it a second chance. But, fortunately for the series, I had four episodes to watch on one DVD, and since it was Saturday night and I was unable to send the DVD back to Netflix until Monday, I watched the second episode...then the third, and finally the fourth in one night.
The story covers almost every possible angle of parenthood...there's a divorced mom raising two kids - one kid who has authority issues; a bachelor who discovers he has a five year old son from one crazy night with a stripper (this one also has the interracial aspect to it); a family with a stay-at-home dad and a working mother; parents who are old-school and who are having troubles with their marriage; pot-smoking kids; and, of course, the regular, run of the mill family who just found out their son is an Aspie.
The first episode rubbed me the wrong way, simply because of the way the story of the kid with Asperger's was revealed. The story led me to believe that the kid had a problem and that the parents were treating it like it was a disease similar to the black plague. Despite the tears running down my face from seeing a very similar story to my own family unfold before my eyes, I was not thrilled with the way the writers described the situation. Like I said, luckily for the writers, I watched the next three episodes. (I'm sure they're so relieved...)
The next three episodes dug deeper into each family member's story. I guess I forgot to mention that the series is about one big family; the parents (the one's going through a rough patch), and their kids who are adults with families of their own. The "kids" are two brothers (one brother is the slacker dope smoking new parent of the five year old and the other brother is the one with the Aspie kid and a daughter), and two sisters (one sister is the divorced mom with the two kids, one of which is the angry teen girl, and the other sister is the working mom with the husband who stays at home with their daughter.)
By the fourth episode, I found myself in a conundrum. I really enjoy the show, but found that I will need to invest in a larger supply of Kleenex for my wife...yeah, ok, I might use one or two during the series as well, but I swear my contacts have been bothering me a lot lately and I am blaming the tears on that. Hey, it's my blog and my story and I'm sticking to that viewpoint whether you believe me or not. So there! Anyway, the water works were flowing freely during every episode. The show, as it turns out, is well written. What gets me, though, is how did they obtain our story without us knowing? Then, to make it more of a mystery, how did the writers obtain our story a year and a half before we knew our story? Amazing, indeed.
Back to being serious, if you are looking for a TV show to watch about a family full of interesting characters, and you want to see what the first stages of discovering that you have a child with Asperger's are like, rent Parenthood, sit back, watch the first four episodes, and have some Kleenex ready...you know, for those troublesome contacts. Now, we just have to wait for the next four episodes...which we are eager to see.
Disclaimer...(Yes, its a repeat of the last one...but the blog above is new!)
First, let me say that I am not a specialist in Asperger's Syndrome, nor do I play one on TV. What I write or say are strictly my own personal observations and beliefs, so please do not sue me because I said something that made you do something that caused a misdiagnosis, or created a problem, or made you do something stupid. Have accountability, go see a professional, and leave my finances alone...besides, you really wouldn't get much anyway, so its probably not worth your time to call the lawyer on the back of the phone book to see if you have a case. Spend that time more wisely, like figuring out how to subscribe to my blog...and don't ask me about that because I'm not even sure how it works! Seriously, though, if some of the things I say seem like they sound very familiar in your family, set up an appointment with a true professional. While you are waiting for their callback, please, continue reading and leave a note!
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
When to call it quits (Alt. title - Going to Holland)
NOTE: Please see the disclaimer at the end of this post. Thanks!
"You got to know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em, know when to walk away and know when to run."
In case you do not recognize those words, they are from the song, The Gambler, by Kenny Rogers. I can count on one hand how many times I can say that I actually enjoyed country music during my life; 1. during my breakup with my first serious girlfriend; 2. during my breakup with my second serious girlfriend; and 3. when my dog died. When I first heard The Gambler, I was pretty close to my son's current age and I didn't know any better in regards to country music. I suppose certain seemingly trivial things stay with us for the weirdest reasons. And, yes, sometimes country music has a valuable place in the world. Not often...but sometimes.
Many times during my life, I have referenced those exact lyrics when the times got tough. I would try to maintain my composure, and be aware that there are some times that I needed to call it quits before I lost more of what it was that I was not succeeding with. I knew when to walk away, and I knew (sometimes far too often) when to run. Other times, I stayed in the game and lost my shirt. Rarely, I came out ahead when I stuck it out.
As a step-parent (and I will only say "step-parent" once, because I do not consider myself that - I DO consider myself a parent and my son's one and only Dad.), I would be lying if I said I have never wondered "what if I called it quits?" I imagine there are many biological parents out there who have wondered the same thing. Foster parents? Yeah, probably them too. What if I just left? What if I threw in the towel and said, "enough?" What if I folded? What if I walked away? What if I ran?
Relax...I never thought about really leaving, and I never will. I have thought about jumping on the next plane to Jamaica and living off the land, selling certain unmentionables to unsuspecting tourists, and staying for a month or two, but then I came back to reality. Besides, when sitting on the scale of life, staying in a Jamaican prison for partaking in the distribution of illegal substances will not be better than dealing with the frustrations of parenthood on a regular basis, of that I am certain. Well, not 100% certain, since I have never been in a Jamaican prison, but I have a pretty good idea of what one would be like. And, I don't want any parts of that! Not to mention, I'd like to see Holland at some point.
I am not trying to minimize any of the trials and tribulations other parents of (for lack of a better word) "normal" kids have, and I am not saying parents of "special needs" kids have it so bad they deserve a medal, but raising a kid with special needs requires a whole different set of priorities. These priorities can be a bit taxing at times, to say the least. In previous posts, I described all of the fun happy stuff related to kids with Asperger's. Yes, like any other kid, there are warm and fuzzy times, and yes, like any other kid, there are not so fun times while raising them. To describe it another way, or rather, from a different perspective, check out the poem/story Welcome to Holland below. This is a poem that a very good friend of mine suggested I read. She was spot on. Yes, I have dreamed about Italy for a long time.
I cannot speak for everyone, but I do know of a few parents out there who have wished upon the Calgon Gods to take them away on occasion ("Calgon...take me away!"). I do not believe this makes them a bad parent, but I do believe their frustrations and a non-realistic wish of instant sanity are real. The problem is, if it really did happen, the grass would not be greener on the other side.
Being a parent of an Aspie kid does not make me a saint, nor does it make me not want to escape from the mayhem every-so-often. Would I be happy if my son was not an Aspie? Maybe. Would I be happy if my son was perfect in every way, picked up his socks, never had a temper-tantrum, never said he hated me only to want a hug and tell me he loves me five minutes later, or if he was a star athlete-musician-straight A student-thespian kid? Maybe. But, this is not reality. Reality is, every one of us has something different to offer the world. Sometimes it doesn't quite match up to what we had in mind or wanted, but, the fact is, you weren't exactly a gem to raise when you were a kid, either. Ok, maybe you were, but I sure wasn't! The point is, a commitment has been made, and it should....no, it must be honored. Kids do not come with receipts or return policies. Kids R Us is not a place to exchange your Aspie, ADHD, Bipolar, undiagnosed, or whatever, kid for a different model.
So, those days and nights of anger filled emotions that came out of your kid because you asked him to perform a seemingly simple task of putting his dish in the dishwasher that resulted in various household items flying through the air (which isn't fun when your son has one heck of a pitching arm - fortunately, my cat-like reflexes from playing third base are still fairly useable...well, maybe not "cat-like" but I will swear on faster than a sloth-like reflexes), temper-tantrums that make the cat and dog run for cover, those sleepless nights wondering if your kid will be ok alone in the hospital, monitoring his every move to determine if the most recent round of meds will be the golden egg, or the countless times you have preached about good manners, keeping the elbows off the table, not dropping crumbs on the couch, not sneaking sweets, using the napkin instead of the shirt, teaching proper social skills, repeating over and over how important it is to actually wash when he is in the tub and not just sit, and being told you are stupid and not a good parent because you said "no" to your kid when he or she asked for a working model of a WWII M1 Carbine...those days and nights are all a part of raising a kid with special needs. And, no, you cannot just get up and walk away. Well, you can walk away to another room...but you know what I mean.
Being a parent is difficult. Period. What parents fail to realize is, that perfect kid in the neighborhood...yeah, he ain't so perfect all of the time, and yes, his parents get frustrated, too. And they are probably envious of that other kid who seems to be perfect from the outside...yours! So, instead of planning your escape to Italy...alone...look at where you are and want what you have. Holland is pretty nice and has a lot to offer, too. Don't walk away, don't run, don't fold 'em, but do hold them. It makes a difference when your hand isn't exactly what you thought it would be. The surprise behind holding on to the hand you didn't expect is that you discover it's way better than you ever would have picked for yourself. My wife likes to say that it is divine providence -- the unexpected gifts that manifest from great trials in life. Me? I see the adventure. And, I'm willing to admit there is Method (yes, capital "M") in what looks like madness...
When you're going to have a baby, it's like planning a fabulous vacation trip – to Italy. You buy a bunch of guidebooks and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum, the Michelangelo David, the gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It's all very exciting.
After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, "Welcome to Holland."
"Holland?!" you say. "What do you mean, Holland?" I signed up for Italy! I'm supposed to be in Italy. All my life I've dreamed of going to Italy.
But there's been a change in the flight plan. They've landed in Holland and there you must stay.
The important thing is that they haven't taken you to some horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease. It's just a different place.
So you must go out and buy a new guidebook. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met.
It's just a different place. It's slower paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you've been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around, and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills, Holland has tulips, Holland even has Rembrandts.
But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy, and they're all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life you will say, "Yes, that's where I was supposed to go. That's what I had planned."
The pain of that will never, ever, go away, because the loss of that dream is a very significant loss.
But if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn't get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things about Holland.
Welcome to Holland link HERE (NOTE: This link also leads to a website that has a lot of information for those interested in Autism.
And HERE
Disclaimer...(Yes, its a repeat of the last one...but the blog above is new!)
First, let me say that I am not a specialist in Asperger's Syndrome, nor do I play one on TV. What I write or say are strictly my own personal observations and beliefs, so please do not sue me because I said something that made you do something that caused a misdiagnosis, or created a problem, or made you do something stupid. Have accountability, go see a professional, and leave my finances alone...besides, you really wouldn't get much anyway, so its probably not worth your time to call the lawyer on the back of the phone book to see if you have a case. Spend that time more wisely, like figuring out how to subscribe to my blog...and don't ask me about that because I'm not even sure how it works! Seriously, though, if some of the things I say seem like they sound very familiar in your family, set up an appointment with a true professional. While you are waiting for their callback, please, continue reading and leave a note!
"You got to know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em, know when to walk away and know when to run."
In case you do not recognize those words, they are from the song, The Gambler, by Kenny Rogers. I can count on one hand how many times I can say that I actually enjoyed country music during my life; 1. during my breakup with my first serious girlfriend; 2. during my breakup with my second serious girlfriend; and 3. when my dog died. When I first heard The Gambler, I was pretty close to my son's current age and I didn't know any better in regards to country music. I suppose certain seemingly trivial things stay with us for the weirdest reasons. And, yes, sometimes country music has a valuable place in the world. Not often...but sometimes.
Many times during my life, I have referenced those exact lyrics when the times got tough. I would try to maintain my composure, and be aware that there are some times that I needed to call it quits before I lost more of what it was that I was not succeeding with. I knew when to walk away, and I knew (sometimes far too often) when to run. Other times, I stayed in the game and lost my shirt. Rarely, I came out ahead when I stuck it out.
As a step-parent (and I will only say "step-parent" once, because I do not consider myself that - I DO consider myself a parent and my son's one and only Dad.), I would be lying if I said I have never wondered "what if I called it quits?" I imagine there are many biological parents out there who have wondered the same thing. Foster parents? Yeah, probably them too. What if I just left? What if I threw in the towel and said, "enough?" What if I folded? What if I walked away? What if I ran?
Relax...I never thought about really leaving, and I never will. I have thought about jumping on the next plane to Jamaica and living off the land, selling certain unmentionables to unsuspecting tourists, and staying for a month or two, but then I came back to reality. Besides, when sitting on the scale of life, staying in a Jamaican prison for partaking in the distribution of illegal substances will not be better than dealing with the frustrations of parenthood on a regular basis, of that I am certain. Well, not 100% certain, since I have never been in a Jamaican prison, but I have a pretty good idea of what one would be like. And, I don't want any parts of that! Not to mention, I'd like to see Holland at some point.
I am not trying to minimize any of the trials and tribulations other parents of (for lack of a better word) "normal" kids have, and I am not saying parents of "special needs" kids have it so bad they deserve a medal, but raising a kid with special needs requires a whole different set of priorities. These priorities can be a bit taxing at times, to say the least. In previous posts, I described all of the fun happy stuff related to kids with Asperger's. Yes, like any other kid, there are warm and fuzzy times, and yes, like any other kid, there are not so fun times while raising them. To describe it another way, or rather, from a different perspective, check out the poem/story Welcome to Holland below. This is a poem that a very good friend of mine suggested I read. She was spot on. Yes, I have dreamed about Italy for a long time.
I cannot speak for everyone, but I do know of a few parents out there who have wished upon the Calgon Gods to take them away on occasion ("Calgon...take me away!"). I do not believe this makes them a bad parent, but I do believe their frustrations and a non-realistic wish of instant sanity are real. The problem is, if it really did happen, the grass would not be greener on the other side.
Being a parent of an Aspie kid does not make me a saint, nor does it make me not want to escape from the mayhem every-so-often. Would I be happy if my son was not an Aspie? Maybe. Would I be happy if my son was perfect in every way, picked up his socks, never had a temper-tantrum, never said he hated me only to want a hug and tell me he loves me five minutes later, or if he was a star athlete-musician-straight A student-thespian kid? Maybe. But, this is not reality. Reality is, every one of us has something different to offer the world. Sometimes it doesn't quite match up to what we had in mind or wanted, but, the fact is, you weren't exactly a gem to raise when you were a kid, either. Ok, maybe you were, but I sure wasn't! The point is, a commitment has been made, and it should....no, it must be honored. Kids do not come with receipts or return policies. Kids R Us is not a place to exchange your Aspie, ADHD, Bipolar, undiagnosed, or whatever, kid for a different model.
So, those days and nights of anger filled emotions that came out of your kid because you asked him to perform a seemingly simple task of putting his dish in the dishwasher that resulted in various household items flying through the air (which isn't fun when your son has one heck of a pitching arm - fortunately, my cat-like reflexes from playing third base are still fairly useable...well, maybe not "cat-like" but I will swear on faster than a sloth-like reflexes), temper-tantrums that make the cat and dog run for cover, those sleepless nights wondering if your kid will be ok alone in the hospital, monitoring his every move to determine if the most recent round of meds will be the golden egg, or the countless times you have preached about good manners, keeping the elbows off the table, not dropping crumbs on the couch, not sneaking sweets, using the napkin instead of the shirt, teaching proper social skills, repeating over and over how important it is to actually wash when he is in the tub and not just sit, and being told you are stupid and not a good parent because you said "no" to your kid when he or she asked for a working model of a WWII M1 Carbine...those days and nights are all a part of raising a kid with special needs. And, no, you cannot just get up and walk away. Well, you can walk away to another room...but you know what I mean.
Being a parent is difficult. Period. What parents fail to realize is, that perfect kid in the neighborhood...yeah, he ain't so perfect all of the time, and yes, his parents get frustrated, too. And they are probably envious of that other kid who seems to be perfect from the outside...yours! So, instead of planning your escape to Italy...alone...look at where you are and want what you have. Holland is pretty nice and has a lot to offer, too. Don't walk away, don't run, don't fold 'em, but do hold them. It makes a difference when your hand isn't exactly what you thought it would be. The surprise behind holding on to the hand you didn't expect is that you discover it's way better than you ever would have picked for yourself. My wife likes to say that it is divine providence -- the unexpected gifts that manifest from great trials in life. Me? I see the adventure. And, I'm willing to admit there is Method (yes, capital "M") in what looks like madness...
Welcome to Holland
Written by Emily Perl Kingsley
I am often asked to describe the experience of raising a child with a disability – to try to help people who have not shared that unique experience to understand it, to imagine how it would feel. It's like this…When you're going to have a baby, it's like planning a fabulous vacation trip – to Italy. You buy a bunch of guidebooks and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum, the Michelangelo David, the gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It's all very exciting.
After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, "Welcome to Holland."
"Holland?!" you say. "What do you mean, Holland?" I signed up for Italy! I'm supposed to be in Italy. All my life I've dreamed of going to Italy.
But there's been a change in the flight plan. They've landed in Holland and there you must stay.
The important thing is that they haven't taken you to some horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease. It's just a different place.
So you must go out and buy a new guidebook. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met.
It's just a different place. It's slower paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you've been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around, and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills, Holland has tulips, Holland even has Rembrandts.
But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy, and they're all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life you will say, "Yes, that's where I was supposed to go. That's what I had planned."
The pain of that will never, ever, go away, because the loss of that dream is a very significant loss.
But if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn't get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things about Holland.
Welcome to Holland link HERE (NOTE: This link also leads to a website that has a lot of information for those interested in Autism.
And HERE
Disclaimer...(Yes, its a repeat of the last one...but the blog above is new!)
First, let me say that I am not a specialist in Asperger's Syndrome, nor do I play one on TV. What I write or say are strictly my own personal observations and beliefs, so please do not sue me because I said something that made you do something that caused a misdiagnosis, or created a problem, or made you do something stupid. Have accountability, go see a professional, and leave my finances alone...besides, you really wouldn't get much anyway, so its probably not worth your time to call the lawyer on the back of the phone book to see if you have a case. Spend that time more wisely, like figuring out how to subscribe to my blog...and don't ask me about that because I'm not even sure how it works! Seriously, though, if some of the things I say seem like they sound very familiar in your family, set up an appointment with a true professional. While you are waiting for their callback, please, continue reading and leave a note!
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
The token economy
Disclaimer...(Yes, its a repeat of the last one...but the blog below is new!)
First, let me say that I am not a specialist in Asperger's Syndrome, nor do I play one on TV. What I write or say are strictly my own personal observations and beliefs, so please do not sue me because I said something that made you do something that caused a misdiagnosis, or created a problem, or made you do something stupid. Have accountability, go see a professional, and leave my finances alone...besides, you really wouldn't get much anyway, so its probably not worth your time to call the lawyer on the back of the phone book to see if you have a case. Spend that time more wisely, like figuring out how to subscribe to my blog...and don't ask me about that because I'm not even sure how it works! Seriously, though, if some of the things I say seem like they sound very familiar in your family, set up an appointment with a true professional. While you are waiting for their callback, please, continue reading and leave a note!
The token economy...
In a previous post, I mentioned the token economy. It is really quite simple, but for a family with an Aspie child, it may also be very useful. I cannot claim ownership of this idea by any stretch of the imagination, especially since I did not think it would ever work to begin with. Yes, I am admitting I was wrong...I suppose everyone has a bad day now and then. But after implementing the idea for just one day, I saw the true usefulness of the design. The best part is that this would probably work with any child and not just those on the Autism spectrum.
The thought is to focus on the positives and not on the shortcomings. This should be a no-brainer, but far too often we...ok, I can't speak for you, so I will say "I"...focus on the negatives. How often have we...errr...I mean, I... looked at someone and thought, "Hmmm, they have nice clothes" and overlooked the funky multicolored faux-hawk? Most of the time, I will overlook the Armani suit and focus on the hair...partly because I am jealous, mostly because we...grrr...I mean I, focus on the part we want to change about that person. I know I prefer for people to think of me in a positive way, rather than negative...I'm guessing our kids feel the same way. When we focus on the negative, we miss the positive. Perception is reality. Create more opportunities for the positives to break the cycle of negativity...this will work in other places in life too!
So, the token economy really is really quite simple. In a nutshell, when the child does something good, such as opening a door for someone entering the store, or saying thank you without being prompted, or even putting away his or her dish after dinner without being told to do so, he or she gets a small token. That token can be anything...perhaps a bead, maybe a sticker, or possibly a piece of paper with a check mark. Whatever works for your child is what works best. (I feel like I am channeling Yogi Berra after that last sentence.) The key is to give the token to him or her as soon as possible to acknowledge the positive behavior. Which brings me to the next part...
Have tokens with you at all times! For me, this is difficult because I rarely wear clothes with pockets when I am lounging around the house...which, lately, seems to be rather often, unfortunately. If you have the token in your pocket, you can supply the instant gratification for a deed well done. If you do not give the token immediately and you are like me you will forget about the earned token and the whole concept will fail to launch even before the countdown begins. So, it is worth repeating...have tokens with you at all times! You are, as much as your kid, a part of the overall exercise here...play your part and you will be rewarded as well.
Before we go further, let's take a step or two back. One of the things you will want to do before starting the token economy is explain it to your child. Once he or she has a grasp on the concept - stress the fact that they will get whatever they want - have them write down 10, 20, 30, 50, 100...whatever many amount of items they can work toward. If your kid wants a new bike...write it down. If they want candy...write it down. The point is to get them to understand the reward is what they want, not what you think they want. Don't worry if your kid says he wants a Ferrari...we'll get to that later...go ahead and write it down! Once all items are written on a piece of paper, take a break and go to the craft store down the road.
Once you get to the craft store, find a big poster-board, a few colored pens that will write on said poster-board (Sharpies will write on the board, but are not the ideal choice. I know this from experience. Look for poster-board specific pens. I do not know if they exist, but if they do, buy them. If they don't, tell me and I will start making some so I can make my millions from this idea), a small divided container, and some tokens. You might want to buy two types of tokens; a bunch of small ones and a small bag of bigger ones. We are currently using multi-colored beads for the little ones and stars for the bigger ones. Each and every positive action receives one small token. 25 small tokens equal one star. Of course, your system can be tailored to your needs, but you get the idea. (It was actually Grant's idea to include "bigger" tokens in the plan, and he chose the stars...) Return home with said items and let the fun begin.
Here is where you can build your safety net for that Ferrari. Once you have your supplies, you and your child should assign worth to each item. For example, a piece of candy may equal 10 tokens, a Hot Wheels car is 20 tokens, a new Wii game equals 20 stars, and that Ferrari, yeah, that one is 100,000 stars. In other words, set the worth how you see fit. At the same time, remember that this exercise is as much for you as it is for your child; rewarding positive behavior results in even more positive behavior and less stressful times in your home. Are you getting the picture, now? (Yes? Yay! You get a token!)
When you have agreed upon the worth of each item, have your child write them on the poster-board with the value next to the item. The poster-board serves as a large visual reminder of the rewards for positive behavior and should, therefore, be visible to your child each and every day to plant the seed. Having your child design the poster-board gives him or her the ownership. When your child completes this task, give him or her a small token for starting the process on a positive note.
The small divided box will provide a place for your child to place the earned tokens. An idea that I had...apparently I was the only one who thought it was a good one, though...is to pick the top 10 rewards and write them on a small piece of paper. Set the paper in one of the divided spaces so that your child can save for a specific item. If your child is like mine, this idea will only serve as a reminder of how, ummm... "particular" you are about order and how your child really doesn't care about such nonsense. Whatever you decide, your child will be happy as a pig in...mud...when he or she gets to place the first token in the box.
Again, keep tokens with you at all times!
What's that? You say your child will do things just to get a token? She/He's still doing them, right? Reward the good behavior, BUT...tell them that is not how it works. The token economy is NOT a reward system for chores and it is NOT a payment system for doing things on purpose. In other words, make sure the tokens are only given when the child does something on his or her own and without being asked. You can suggest things to earn more tokens, but the reward should be for his or her positive choices.
We have had the token economy in action for a little over two weeks, now. The first day proved to be a complete turn-around from the previous day. My son was hooked. Yes, he asked over and over what he could do to earn more, to which I replied, good deeds get good rewards. Plain and simple. So far, he still gets excited about earning tokens, and more importantly, he is excited to have his good deeds recognized more so than his negative actions. Truthfully, his negative actions have diminished substantially since we started the token economy, so there is no need to focus on the negatives. Our reward is that he is much more pleasant to be around, we do not have to police his every move, and his socks get picked up without being reminded five times!
It's not a cure-all, but it really does help to stop a downward spiral. We had a big meltdown on Day 2 of the system, but overall I see that all of us are feeling better. He is able to see his own positives again, instead of being bogged down by the negatives. My wife and I are able to see the positives again, instead of being overwhelmed with worry and frustration. And by the way -- we didn't have to push hard to start or implement this. Once my wife mentioned it to my son, he then asked every day for a week when we could get started! Sometimes, just sometimes, we stumble upon something that works. Hopefully this is one that will work for you, too.
First, let me say that I am not a specialist in Asperger's Syndrome, nor do I play one on TV. What I write or say are strictly my own personal observations and beliefs, so please do not sue me because I said something that made you do something that caused a misdiagnosis, or created a problem, or made you do something stupid. Have accountability, go see a professional, and leave my finances alone...besides, you really wouldn't get much anyway, so its probably not worth your time to call the lawyer on the back of the phone book to see if you have a case. Spend that time more wisely, like figuring out how to subscribe to my blog...and don't ask me about that because I'm not even sure how it works! Seriously, though, if some of the things I say seem like they sound very familiar in your family, set up an appointment with a true professional. While you are waiting for their callback, please, continue reading and leave a note!
The token economy...
In a previous post, I mentioned the token economy. It is really quite simple, but for a family with an Aspie child, it may also be very useful. I cannot claim ownership of this idea by any stretch of the imagination, especially since I did not think it would ever work to begin with. Yes, I am admitting I was wrong...I suppose everyone has a bad day now and then. But after implementing the idea for just one day, I saw the true usefulness of the design. The best part is that this would probably work with any child and not just those on the Autism spectrum.
The thought is to focus on the positives and not on the shortcomings. This should be a no-brainer, but far too often we...ok, I can't speak for you, so I will say "I"...focus on the negatives. How often have we...errr...I mean, I... looked at someone and thought, "Hmmm, they have nice clothes" and overlooked the funky multicolored faux-hawk? Most of the time, I will overlook the Armani suit and focus on the hair...partly because I am jealous, mostly because we...grrr...I mean I, focus on the part we want to change about that person. I know I prefer for people to think of me in a positive way, rather than negative...I'm guessing our kids feel the same way. When we focus on the negative, we miss the positive. Perception is reality. Create more opportunities for the positives to break the cycle of negativity...this will work in other places in life too!
So, the token economy really is really quite simple. In a nutshell, when the child does something good, such as opening a door for someone entering the store, or saying thank you without being prompted, or even putting away his or her dish after dinner without being told to do so, he or she gets a small token. That token can be anything...perhaps a bead, maybe a sticker, or possibly a piece of paper with a check mark. Whatever works for your child is what works best. (I feel like I am channeling Yogi Berra after that last sentence.) The key is to give the token to him or her as soon as possible to acknowledge the positive behavior. Which brings me to the next part...
Have tokens with you at all times! For me, this is difficult because I rarely wear clothes with pockets when I am lounging around the house...which, lately, seems to be rather often, unfortunately. If you have the token in your pocket, you can supply the instant gratification for a deed well done. If you do not give the token immediately and you are like me you will forget about the earned token and the whole concept will fail to launch even before the countdown begins. So, it is worth repeating...have tokens with you at all times! You are, as much as your kid, a part of the overall exercise here...play your part and you will be rewarded as well.
Before we go further, let's take a step or two back. One of the things you will want to do before starting the token economy is explain it to your child. Once he or she has a grasp on the concept - stress the fact that they will get whatever they want - have them write down 10, 20, 30, 50, 100...whatever many amount of items they can work toward. If your kid wants a new bike...write it down. If they want candy...write it down. The point is to get them to understand the reward is what they want, not what you think they want. Don't worry if your kid says he wants a Ferrari...we'll get to that later...go ahead and write it down! Once all items are written on a piece of paper, take a break and go to the craft store down the road.
 |
| Our tokens |
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| Not the best photo ever, but you get the idea |
When you have agreed upon the worth of each item, have your child write them on the poster-board with the value next to the item. The poster-board serves as a large visual reminder of the rewards for positive behavior and should, therefore, be visible to your child each and every day to plant the seed. Having your child design the poster-board gives him or her the ownership. When your child completes this task, give him or her a small token for starting the process on a positive note.
The small divided box will provide a place for your child to place the earned tokens. An idea that I had...apparently I was the only one who thought it was a good one, though...is to pick the top 10 rewards and write them on a small piece of paper. Set the paper in one of the divided spaces so that your child can save for a specific item. If your child is like mine, this idea will only serve as a reminder of how, ummm... "particular" you are about order and how your child really doesn't care about such nonsense. Whatever you decide, your child will be happy as a pig in...mud...when he or she gets to place the first token in the box.
Again, keep tokens with you at all times!
 |
| My handy dandy token bag I have with me...at all times! |
We have had the token economy in action for a little over two weeks, now. The first day proved to be a complete turn-around from the previous day. My son was hooked. Yes, he asked over and over what he could do to earn more, to which I replied, good deeds get good rewards. Plain and simple. So far, he still gets excited about earning tokens, and more importantly, he is excited to have his good deeds recognized more so than his negative actions. Truthfully, his negative actions have diminished substantially since we started the token economy, so there is no need to focus on the negatives. Our reward is that he is much more pleasant to be around, we do not have to police his every move, and his socks get picked up without being reminded five times!
 |
| Design away! |
Friday, June 3, 2011
In good company
Disclaimer...
First, let me say that I am not a specialist in Asperger's Syndrome, nor do I play one on TV. What I write or say are strictly my own personal observations and beliefs, so please do not sue me because I said something that made you do something that caused a misdiagnosis, or created a problem, or made you do something stupid. Have accountability, go see a professional, and leave my finances alone...besides, you really wouldn't get much anyway, so its probably not worth your time to call the lawyer on the back of the phone book to see if you have a case. Spend that time more wisely, like figuring out how to subscribe to my blog...and don't ask me about that because I'm not even sure how it works! Seriously, though, if some of the things I say seem like they sound very familiar in your family, set up an appointment with a true professional. While you are waiting for their callback, please, continue reading and leave a note!
In good company...
One of the things we fail to see when a diagnosis of a "syndrome" is revealed is that the word "syndrome" should be a synonym of typical, normal, ordinary, and so on. Instead, when you type in "syndrome" in the thesaurus you get words like condition, disease, and disorder. My question is, how can it be a "dis"order when most people in the world have some trait that could lead to a diagnosis of some sort? Think of it, do you know someone who does not focus well? They have ADD (<--- That's me!). Wait, where was I? Oh, yeah... Do they have problems with eye contact? Asperger's. What about a fear of spiders? Arachnophobia. Always sick? Hypochondriac, probably. How about sadness? Obviously depression. Severe mood swings? Bi-polar. No, diagnosing someone is not that easy, but I have yet to meet anyone who is "normal" all of the time. My point is, call it what you will but the fact is that we all have some quirkiness about us, which is what makes life so wonderful. If everyone were the same, how boring would that be? Diversity is an essential spice for our lives.
In an attempt to step down from my soapbox, let me focus on some of the people in history who have made an enormous impact on all of our lives. If these people did not contribute in the manner they did, our lives would be vastly different from the way they are now. For example, you might not be using a computer right now, or if you live in the United States you might be speaking with an English accent, or perhaps the unrequited love of Miss Piggy would have seen its full potential in the wild...yeah, maybe not. Forget that last one. Star Wars? It never would have made it to the big screen.
Bill Gates, Ben Franklin, Jim Henson, George Lucas (although many debate the accuracy of this one), Thomas Edison, Albert Einstein, Sir Issac Newton, Henry Ford, Tom Hanks, Robin Williams, Mozart, Beethoven, Dan Aykroyd, Elvis, Honest Abe, and Mark Twain are all people who either had Asperger's or are believed to have had Asperger's based on their personalities. The list goes on and on and on...each person has contributed to society in a way that no other could have imagined doing. People like Jane Austen, Nikola Tesla, Issac Asimov, Carl Jung, Charles Darwin, and Thomas Jefferson, continue the list of generations of incredible thinkers.
Disorder? Diseased? If any of these people are diseased, I'll have what they are having, please. Granted, some of these people led difficult lives, but perhaps that is because the outside world could not relate to their superior brain function and were stuck in their narrow-minded thinking so much that they could not wrap their pea-sized brain around such wonderful theories and contributions. Harsh? Maybe, but the way I see it, normal is pretty boring.
My son just turned 10 a few weeks ago. He is going into 5th grade next year. His reading level is at a 7th or 8th grader's. His math ability, not so great in the classroom, but ask him to do a math problem in his head and he spits out the right answer in a matter of seconds. History? HA! He knows more about history than his teachers do...and that is no exaggeration. Writing ability...ok, that one needs some work. Controlling his temper? Let's just say that is for whole other blog entry at a later date. Understanding what events deserve an explosion of anger and which need to be overlooked...Again, a whole other blog entry. Give him a ball to play with and he's a bit awkward. Give him a guitar and he'll play "Peter Gunn" and "Smoke on the Water" for you. He learned those two songs after spending a week or two learning just the very basics of guitar playing. My fear is he will want to learn the drums...Fortunately, he and I only saw guitars, no drums, for sale in Costco the other day.
He has his strengths and weaknesses, just like each of us do. He likes Star Wars, the military, history, Legos, his cat and dog, friends, and most things that a "normal" 10 year-old would like. He has aspirations to work for George Lucas one day, be a soldier another day, an engineer the next day, a football player the other day, and a BMX star on one of the other days. In short, he's a kid.
Yes, he has a few quirks that can make our life difficult at times. What I am finding out is, if I can alter my way of thinking, then I can get my point across to him. Think of it this way, if you are driving to the store and the road is closed because of construction, do you keep trying to go the same route only to find your car cannot travel through concrete blockades no matter how hard you concentrate on teleporting? Or do you take a detour, make a few extra turns, and still end up at the store you were trying to get to in the beginning of your journey? Raising my son is much like taking a few detours.
One example is the token economy. My wife reads every book she can get her hands on. When she is not sure how to handle something, she reads. I think that is great, but I am too impatient to read 300 pages to find out what to do. A month or two ago, she suggested the token economy. I do not really remember what I thought about it at the time, but now I think it is wonderful. Basically, the token economy is a reward system for positive reinforcement. Anything the child does that is good, he or she is rewarded with a small token. After earning a set amount of tokens, he or she can turn them in for an item. That item might be candy, a game, a night out with Mom or Dad, tickets to the Star Wars convention, or whatever else is of value to the child. Each item has a predetermined value so he or she has a specific goal. I did not think this would work. I saw the detour and I cruised right past it thinking THIS time I will be able to make teleportation a reality and prove my geometry teacher right, for once, since the shortest distance between two points is a straight line. Sorry Mr. Kingsley, you must have never had an Aspie kid, because that detour (the token system) is a MUCH better choice! (I'll go into detail about that idea at a later date)
Amazing things can happen with an Aspie kid. The key, I believe, to any child is not necessarily trying to raise them in a manner that is in line with mainstream society, but more so in a way that will focus on his or her strengths. What would have happened is Edison's mother tried to suppress his way of thinking? What about Einstein's mother or father? Maybe they did, I wasn't there so I cannot be sure, but I do know that the ADD mind typing these words and getting ready to send them out into cyberspace is quite an interesting character when you get to know him, and he is one heck of a creative problem solver (which has got to be good for something, right?)! Really, all I know for sure is I still have a lot to learn. Hopefully, I will be able to continue sharing and maybe even help a little here and there. Remember, a diagnosis of Asperger's is not a bad thing, especially when you are in such good company.
As always, thank you for reading and please share your thoughts!
For a list of famous people with Asperger's...
Click HERE
and HERE
and HERE too
First, let me say that I am not a specialist in Asperger's Syndrome, nor do I play one on TV. What I write or say are strictly my own personal observations and beliefs, so please do not sue me because I said something that made you do something that caused a misdiagnosis, or created a problem, or made you do something stupid. Have accountability, go see a professional, and leave my finances alone...besides, you really wouldn't get much anyway, so its probably not worth your time to call the lawyer on the back of the phone book to see if you have a case. Spend that time more wisely, like figuring out how to subscribe to my blog...and don't ask me about that because I'm not even sure how it works! Seriously, though, if some of the things I say seem like they sound very familiar in your family, set up an appointment with a true professional. While you are waiting for their callback, please, continue reading and leave a note!
In good company...
One of the things we fail to see when a diagnosis of a "syndrome" is revealed is that the word "syndrome" should be a synonym of typical, normal, ordinary, and so on. Instead, when you type in "syndrome" in the thesaurus you get words like condition, disease, and disorder. My question is, how can it be a "dis"order when most people in the world have some trait that could lead to a diagnosis of some sort? Think of it, do you know someone who does not focus well? They have ADD (<--- That's me!). Wait, where was I? Oh, yeah... Do they have problems with eye contact? Asperger's. What about a fear of spiders? Arachnophobia. Always sick? Hypochondriac, probably. How about sadness? Obviously depression. Severe mood swings? Bi-polar. No, diagnosing someone is not that easy, but I have yet to meet anyone who is "normal" all of the time. My point is, call it what you will but the fact is that we all have some quirkiness about us, which is what makes life so wonderful. If everyone were the same, how boring would that be? Diversity is an essential spice for our lives.
In an attempt to step down from my soapbox, let me focus on some of the people in history who have made an enormous impact on all of our lives. If these people did not contribute in the manner they did, our lives would be vastly different from the way they are now. For example, you might not be using a computer right now, or if you live in the United States you might be speaking with an English accent, or perhaps the unrequited love of Miss Piggy would have seen its full potential in the wild...yeah, maybe not. Forget that last one. Star Wars? It never would have made it to the big screen.
Bill Gates, Ben Franklin, Jim Henson, George Lucas (although many debate the accuracy of this one), Thomas Edison, Albert Einstein, Sir Issac Newton, Henry Ford, Tom Hanks, Robin Williams, Mozart, Beethoven, Dan Aykroyd, Elvis, Honest Abe, and Mark Twain are all people who either had Asperger's or are believed to have had Asperger's based on their personalities. The list goes on and on and on...each person has contributed to society in a way that no other could have imagined doing. People like Jane Austen, Nikola Tesla, Issac Asimov, Carl Jung, Charles Darwin, and Thomas Jefferson, continue the list of generations of incredible thinkers.
Disorder? Diseased? If any of these people are diseased, I'll have what they are having, please. Granted, some of these people led difficult lives, but perhaps that is because the outside world could not relate to their superior brain function and were stuck in their narrow-minded thinking so much that they could not wrap their pea-sized brain around such wonderful theories and contributions. Harsh? Maybe, but the way I see it, normal is pretty boring.
My son just turned 10 a few weeks ago. He is going into 5th grade next year. His reading level is at a 7th or 8th grader's. His math ability, not so great in the classroom, but ask him to do a math problem in his head and he spits out the right answer in a matter of seconds. History? HA! He knows more about history than his teachers do...and that is no exaggeration. Writing ability...ok, that one needs some work. Controlling his temper? Let's just say that is for whole other blog entry at a later date. Understanding what events deserve an explosion of anger and which need to be overlooked...Again, a whole other blog entry. Give him a ball to play with and he's a bit awkward. Give him a guitar and he'll play "Peter Gunn" and "Smoke on the Water" for you. He learned those two songs after spending a week or two learning just the very basics of guitar playing. My fear is he will want to learn the drums...Fortunately, he and I only saw guitars, no drums, for sale in Costco the other day.
Yes, he has a few quirks that can make our life difficult at times. What I am finding out is, if I can alter my way of thinking, then I can get my point across to him. Think of it this way, if you are driving to the store and the road is closed because of construction, do you keep trying to go the same route only to find your car cannot travel through concrete blockades no matter how hard you concentrate on teleporting? Or do you take a detour, make a few extra turns, and still end up at the store you were trying to get to in the beginning of your journey? Raising my son is much like taking a few detours.
One example is the token economy. My wife reads every book she can get her hands on. When she is not sure how to handle something, she reads. I think that is great, but I am too impatient to read 300 pages to find out what to do. A month or two ago, she suggested the token economy. I do not really remember what I thought about it at the time, but now I think it is wonderful. Basically, the token economy is a reward system for positive reinforcement. Anything the child does that is good, he or she is rewarded with a small token. After earning a set amount of tokens, he or she can turn them in for an item. That item might be candy, a game, a night out with Mom or Dad, tickets to the Star Wars convention, or whatever else is of value to the child. Each item has a predetermined value so he or she has a specific goal. I did not think this would work. I saw the detour and I cruised right past it thinking THIS time I will be able to make teleportation a reality and prove my geometry teacher right, for once, since the shortest distance between two points is a straight line. Sorry Mr. Kingsley, you must have never had an Aspie kid, because that detour (the token system) is a MUCH better choice! (I'll go into detail about that idea at a later date)
Amazing things can happen with an Aspie kid. The key, I believe, to any child is not necessarily trying to raise them in a manner that is in line with mainstream society, but more so in a way that will focus on his or her strengths. What would have happened is Edison's mother tried to suppress his way of thinking? What about Einstein's mother or father? Maybe they did, I wasn't there so I cannot be sure, but I do know that the ADD mind typing these words and getting ready to send them out into cyberspace is quite an interesting character when you get to know him, and he is one heck of a creative problem solver (which has got to be good for something, right?)! Really, all I know for sure is I still have a lot to learn. Hopefully, I will be able to continue sharing and maybe even help a little here and there. Remember, a diagnosis of Asperger's is not a bad thing, especially when you are in such good company.
As always, thank you for reading and please share your thoughts!
For a list of famous people with Asperger's...
Click HERE
and HERE
and HERE too
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